Also, I wrote pretty much all of this back in October, so some of the details are a little wonky. I want to leave the "essay" untouched, so I'll just add in a little editing note when a detail needs to be updated.
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The other day, I found myself going about my usual life (I really don't even know what I was doing at the time), and out of the blue, I had a revelation so surprising that I ended up sitting in complete shock, contemplating the thought that had just crossed my mind. It probably shouldn't have been as ground-breaking and life-changing of a revelation as it was, and you'll probably laugh at me when you hear what it was, but it honestly gave me pause and really changed my perspective on a lot of things. Ready to hear it?
"I don't think McFly is my favorite band anymore... and they haven't been for a while."
I know. I know. Trust me, I know. It's the most inconsequential, petty thought-- not even a definitive statement-- and yet... I legitimately felt dizzy when I came to that realization.
I feel like a bit of backstory is necessary here, before continuing. I've touted McFly as my favorite band since my sophomore year of high school (8 years ago). That's the entirety of my adult existence, and a pretty significant portion of my teenage years as well. And I'm not one of those people who casually has a favorite band. McFly was my baby. I was that person who was annoying about their favorite band, to the point that my high school boyfriend refused to listen to them, even in my car, which was a very contentious point to 16-year-old Kristen. Even when I got to college, I was known as the McFly girl. All the people I hung out with in the common room knew how much I loved McFly, and there was even a guy who flat out hated me because of how obsessed I was with the band. (In hindsight, I'm sure I was annoyingly vocal about McFly but I still can't understand the overt hatred)
Furthermore, I've also long-touted Tom Fletcher as my #1 celebrity crush. He checks all the boxes of things I love. He's smart. He's a total geek- super into things like Harry Potter, Star Wars, etc. He's a total sweetheart with a healthy dose of sarcasm. Plus, he's a fantastic musician. He's got a beautiful voice, he's a great songwriter, and he plays a couple handfuls of instruments. When he proposed to his now-wife, I was devastated. When his wedding speech went viral, I gave everyone I knew a big "I told you so" as they said how adorable it was. I don't even like kids and I found myself extremely excited for him both times he and Giovanna had a kid.
So, I say all of this to say that this was not just a band to me. In many ways, it's been a huge part of my identity for the past 7 years. My go-to username on websites is literally KristenMcFly (I learned early on that the username was never already taken, and it's just so short and simple that I ran with it). Their faces are all over my bedroom wall at my parents' house, and are staring at me right now from the wall next to my bed in my own apartment. They've left a huge stamp on my life.
Back to the realization, which like I said, was pretty mind-blowing to me. It wasn't even an "oh that can't be true" type thing. I had the thought and immediately realized that I'd practically been lying to myself for quite a while, trying to convince myself that they're still my favorite band. It's been so long since my metaphorical "favorite band" baton has been passed that I didn't recognize the signs staring me in the face.
And the signs have been there. For a long time. I don't quite know how long, and I can't peg for you exactly when things started to change, but I'd say that it's been at least 2 years since I could legitimately consider McFly my favorite band. And what exactly are these telltale signs? I think the first was that I started considering 2 bands my "favorite band." For the longest time, All Time Low was a solid #2. And then, eventually, I started referring to All Time Low as "my favorite band" and considering the pair a tie. Looking back, even then I knew that I listened to, obsessed over, and fangirled over All Time Low much more than I did McFly. I just didn't want to admit it to myself.
Another sign that should've been blatantly obvious? I don't keep up with any of the members. At all. I follow them on social media, but anymore I find myself just scrolling past their posts. Including Tom. He has an entire YouTube channel, which I'm probably still subscribed to, and I don't think I've watched a single one of his videos since like... 2014. Even though he still technically checks all the boxes and is a total sweetheart... I'm not even sure I'd call him one of my celebrity crushes anymore at all. He's certainly still a person/musician I thoroughly respect, but he definitely doesn't tug at my heartstrings in the same way anymore.
And the most obvious sign? I legitimately can't remember the last time I listened to one of their songs. For a while, I've been fully aware that I really haven't been listening to them much. If you're not up-to-date, I've really gotten into KPop over the past 5ish months (note: now ~8/9 months), so pretty much all of my other music has been put on the back burner. But that's a conversation for another day. Either way, even before then, I usually didn't find myself really listening to McFly on a regular basis. I kept telling myself that I just wasn't in the mood for it, that I still loved it, and that if I were to turn it on again I'd still totally jam. And those are all probably true. But how long do I have to be "not in the mood" for a band before it's not considered a short-term thought anymore?
To be perfectly honest, I don't think McFly themselves have really done themselves any favors in this department either. Their last new full-CD release as McFly was in November 2010. AKA 7 years ago, not long after they became my favorite band. They released a Greatest Hits CD in 2012 and a CD as McBusted (McFly + Busted) in late 2014 (a very different sound from solo McFly), but no new studio album as McFly. They've been teasing McFly's 6th album for at least 3 or 4 years at this point, and I've pretty much given up that it'll happen. Most recently, they said they would be recording in January 2017. It's October now and I still haven't heard anything about it. Granted, I don't monitor their social media that closely, but I do still follow them so I would've seen something. But all that said, it doesn't change the fact that I'm still not listening to their older material either. Even when they released the McBusted CD, I didn't listen to that nearly as aggressively as I have with their other music. I'm not sure whether that can be chalked up to it being "McBusted" vs "McFly" but either way, the devotion still wasn't there.
So, I've reached the point where I feel like I have to admit that McFly isn't my favorite band anymore, and like I said, they haven't really been my favorite band for quite a while. But how exactly does this relate to growing up and moving on, as the title mentions? Allow me to enlighten you.
Furthermore, I've also long-touted Tom Fletcher as my #1 celebrity crush. He checks all the boxes of things I love. He's smart. He's a total geek- super into things like Harry Potter, Star Wars, etc. He's a total sweetheart with a healthy dose of sarcasm. Plus, he's a fantastic musician. He's got a beautiful voice, he's a great songwriter, and he plays a couple handfuls of instruments. When he proposed to his now-wife, I was devastated. When his wedding speech went viral, I gave everyone I knew a big "I told you so" as they said how adorable it was. I don't even like kids and I found myself extremely excited for him both times he and Giovanna had a kid.
So, I say all of this to say that this was not just a band to me. In many ways, it's been a huge part of my identity for the past 7 years. My go-to username on websites is literally KristenMcFly (I learned early on that the username was never already taken, and it's just so short and simple that I ran with it). Their faces are all over my bedroom wall at my parents' house, and are staring at me right now from the wall next to my bed in my own apartment. They've left a huge stamp on my life.
Back to the realization, which like I said, was pretty mind-blowing to me. It wasn't even an "oh that can't be true" type thing. I had the thought and immediately realized that I'd practically been lying to myself for quite a while, trying to convince myself that they're still my favorite band. It's been so long since my metaphorical "favorite band" baton has been passed that I didn't recognize the signs staring me in the face.
And the signs have been there. For a long time. I don't quite know how long, and I can't peg for you exactly when things started to change, but I'd say that it's been at least 2 years since I could legitimately consider McFly my favorite band. And what exactly are these telltale signs? I think the first was that I started considering 2 bands my "favorite band." For the longest time, All Time Low was a solid #2. And then, eventually, I started referring to All Time Low as "my favorite band" and considering the pair a tie. Looking back, even then I knew that I listened to, obsessed over, and fangirled over All Time Low much more than I did McFly. I just didn't want to admit it to myself.
Another sign that should've been blatantly obvious? I don't keep up with any of the members. At all. I follow them on social media, but anymore I find myself just scrolling past their posts. Including Tom. He has an entire YouTube channel, which I'm probably still subscribed to, and I don't think I've watched a single one of his videos since like... 2014. Even though he still technically checks all the boxes and is a total sweetheart... I'm not even sure I'd call him one of my celebrity crushes anymore at all. He's certainly still a person/musician I thoroughly respect, but he definitely doesn't tug at my heartstrings in the same way anymore.
And the most obvious sign? I legitimately can't remember the last time I listened to one of their songs. For a while, I've been fully aware that I really haven't been listening to them much. If you're not up-to-date, I've really gotten into KPop over the past 5ish months (note: now ~8/9 months), so pretty much all of my other music has been put on the back burner. But that's a conversation for another day. Either way, even before then, I usually didn't find myself really listening to McFly on a regular basis. I kept telling myself that I just wasn't in the mood for it, that I still loved it, and that if I were to turn it on again I'd still totally jam. And those are all probably true. But how long do I have to be "not in the mood" for a band before it's not considered a short-term thought anymore?
To be perfectly honest, I don't think McFly themselves have really done themselves any favors in this department either. Their last new full-CD release as McFly was in November 2010. AKA 7 years ago, not long after they became my favorite band. They released a Greatest Hits CD in 2012 and a CD as McBusted (McFly + Busted) in late 2014 (a very different sound from solo McFly), but no new studio album as McFly. They've been teasing McFly's 6th album for at least 3 or 4 years at this point, and I've pretty much given up that it'll happen. Most recently, they said they would be recording in January 2017. It's October now and I still haven't heard anything about it. Granted, I don't monitor their social media that closely, but I do still follow them so I would've seen something. But all that said, it doesn't change the fact that I'm still not listening to their older material either. Even when they released the McBusted CD, I didn't listen to that nearly as aggressively as I have with their other music. I'm not sure whether that can be chalked up to it being "McBusted" vs "McFly" but either way, the devotion still wasn't there.
So, I've reached the point where I feel like I have to admit that McFly isn't my favorite band anymore, and like I said, they haven't really been my favorite band for quite a while. But how exactly does this relate to growing up and moving on, as the title mentions? Allow me to enlighten you.
I tend to think of myself as pretty self aware, as I'm sure most of us do. I acknowledge the fact that I've changed a lot since high school, and I think I know myself pretty well as a person. I'm able to look back on the person I was in High School and (while I obviously can't recognize every single change) see so many ways in which I've changed-- I'm basically a totally different person than the 17 year old girl who walked across a stage and got handed her High School diploma. And yet, in the years since then, I've continued to stubbornly hold on to so many of the things I loved back then... just because? Essentially, I easily admit to my changes as a human, but I have difficulty recognizing and accepting my changes in taste, which just seems entirely backward. But here we are.
I'm this way with almost everything I love, though. I take a while to accept that a new show/movie I've watched is worthy of being an all-time favorite, and the same goes for everything else, from YouTubers I watch, to things I like to wear, and even to foods I eat. Seriously, as a kid I ordered chicken tenders at every American restaurant my family went to, and it took a solid 3 years of ordering burgers at every American restaurant I went to before I realized that burgers were my new favorite food. Seriously, I recognize changes in even my literal taste slowly.
I once read a psychological study (might've been pseudo-psychology. I can't remember if it was a legit study or just some silly article online) that said that for most people, the musical taste they develop in their teens will last for the rest of their life. So, I always assumed that my shift in musical taste from the music my parents liked to pop punk/alternative music at age 13 to be the definitive shift in my musical taste that would probably last my entire life. It sounds weirdly definitive, but it's always made some kind of twisted sense to me. So, yet another thing re-enforcing my difficulty accepting my change in taste.
So, once again, we're back to the thought that somehow it's easy (at least, for me) to accept that I've grown up in the past 5 years. I've matured and changed as a human. And yet I take forever to admit to myself that the things I love change right alongside me. I think a large part of it is simply that it's easy to pretend that changes in taste are temporary. I've been telling myself for a really long time that I'm just simply not in the mood for McFly right now, thus convincing myself that they're still #1 despite the fact that I can't even remember the last time I sat down and listened to one of their songs all the way through.
I think another important factor is that I tend to define myself by the things that I love more than by who I am as a person. This might seem weird to some, but I think it makes a lot of sense. Think about the people you follow on Twitter, Instagram, YouTube, etc. Chances are, your personalities don't necessarily line up. But maybe you follow them because you have the same aesthetic, like the same books, or like the same music. Naturally, we group together with people with similar interests, so... it only makes sense to largely define yourself by what you like. It's like high school-- the goth kids aren't necessarily considered "weird" by popular kids because of their personalities, but because of the way they look an the music they're into.
Because of this, I could change significantly personality-wise and it'd have an incredibly small effect on my life in general, and yet some change in the things I like/dislike is enough to make huge waves.
Back to the topic of growing up and moving on, just as I've grown up and moved on from the person I was 7 years ago, I think it's finally time to admit to my change in likes and dislikes that has come alongside it. McFly... is not my favorite band. I'm honestly not even sure if I have a favorite band right now, given that I've recently gotten into KPop and have been listening to that almost exclusively instead of the music I listened to before getting into KPop. I'll keep All Time Low in that slot for the time being, but we'll see what happens (I now have a definitive favorite band. Scroll through my posts and it'll become obvious pretty quickly. *hint: it's definitely NOT Day6. Nope. Definitely not. Not at all.*). I still, of course, do still consider myself a McFly fan. Like I said, if I were to turn on their music right now, I would still really enjoy it. I just don't love them like I used to.
And for some sort of flimsy point to this rambly post? I guess my point is that if you truly want to know who you are as a person, you have to assess both your personality itself, as well as the things you truly love and care about. The personality is of course important to understanding who you are, but if you're like me and define yourself largely by the things you love, it's just as important to actually understand what those things are. But then again, I'm also just trying to make up some arbitrary point so that this post has some semblance of a purpose to it instead of just a stream-of-consciousness thought-dump of stuff that's been on my mind.
So, that's about all I had for this post. Like I said several times, I'm not really sure there's actually a point here, but it's something I've been thinking about quite a bit lately. Typically when I do one of these more thoughtful posts, I tend to try to at least have some sort of cohesive point, but I was fairly certain that wouldn't be happening with this one lol. Let me know if you'd like to see more of these rambly posts in the future. I can't guarantee that they'll happen, since it's kinda dictated by whatever random stuff pops up in my head, but I might end up sharing these thoughts more often. Who knows?
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